She felt the familiar tightening in her chest.
Her breaths came in uneven and difficult gasps.
Her blue eyes were fearful and frantic. She looked around her as she tried to breathe slowly and evenly. But the tightness did not subside.
She took a deep breath from her inhaler and attempted to quell the thoughts of death that were gathering rapidly- involuntarily, in her mind. She grew more panicked. The inhaler seemed to have no effect on her breathing.
Realizing this, she quickly put the nebulizer pieces together and turned the machine on. The nebulizer droned sullenly, methodically. Her mind raced.
She was filled with shame. And guilt.
Her scattered thoughts were not at all comforting. Why am I so weak? Her thoughts violently rebelled against her struggles and her suffering.
She was young, passionate, and full of aspirations, yet here she was, trapped in her own body. All her desires and hopes had seemed to fade around her.
Almost instinctually, her thoughts drifted towards God. The thoughts were undeveloped, yet, she was turning to God. She was praying, though no words were ever formed.
She breathed slowly and deeply. She felt a wave of peace through her.
She understood that her suffering would never completely dissipate, but she felt a sliver of hope. She smiled, though somewhat sadly, realizing resignedly that this is who she is- weak and delicate, but not hopeless.
She knew God would provide, though sometimes she would not feel his presence intensely.
Sometimes his voice would simply be a feeling of peace or hope, helping her in her time of need……..encouraging her to go on.
“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God, that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” -Philippians 4:6-7