Tag Archives: confusion

Hello Again, Again

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I’ve decided to start blogging again.   Sorry it’s been so long.

These last two years have been a time of discovery and change for me.  I got diagnosed with a learning disability which has really changed things for me.  I now know why I struggle with certain things and that I am not retarded.  I have a real problem.  I also am eligible for accommodations in college and on the SAT test, which  I’ll take this summer.  Read more about my learning disability here.

I’ve also started going to Alanon which has surprisingly given me strategies not only for dealing with alcoholism, but for for managing my anxiety as well.    I’ve continued to educate myself on my learning problems and the way my mind works.

All this research and real-life practice led me write a blog series about some of the some of the things I’ve discovered about my mind.

Here’s a sneak peek of the topics I’ll cover:

  • Corpus Callosum: why it matters and how it works
  • Understanding Anxiety: the fight or flight response
  • Feelings Lie: don’t let them rule you
  • The Never-Ending Cycle: Feel bad, manage, feel better, repeat
  • Accept Yourself: the good, the bad, the ugly

 

Hello Again

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I haven’t blogged on clamorous mind for more than a year! But I’m back now.

Since I’ve been away, I’ve learned that I am dyscalculic.

Dyscalculia = struggle to learn, confusion.

I struggle to put what’s in my mind into writing. I’m filled with thoughts, feelings, stories, but when I try to convey them on paper or even through words, I flounder.  This is torture.

Daily:  Left brain fights with right brain. No communication between them.  😦 

Like a couple on the brink of divorce, not able to work out their differences. If only they knew how much they need each other.

This leads me to despair at times. I learn with difficultly.  Whether I use my brain for learning or for fun, there is conflict.

I’m going to fight.

I’m going to write.

I’m going to try even through the fog.

Blessing in weakness…

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She felt the familiar tightening in her chest.

Her breaths came in uneven and difficult gasps.

Her blue eyes were fearful and frantic.  She looked around her as she tried to breathe slowly and evenly.  But the tightness did not subside.

She took a deep breath from her inhaler and attempted to quell the thoughts of death that were gathering rapidly- involuntarily, in her mind.  She grew more panicked. The inhaler seemed to have no effect on her breathing.

Realizing this, she quickly put the nebulizer pieces together and turned the machine on. The nebulizer droned sullenly, methodically.  Her mind raced.

She was filled with shame.  And guilt.

Her scattered thoughts were not at all comforting.  Why am I so weak?  Her thoughts violently rebelled against her struggles and her suffering.

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She was young, passionate, and full of aspirations, yet here she was, trapped in her own body.  All her desires and hopes had seemed to fade around her.

Almost instinctually, her thoughts drifted towards God. The thoughts were undeveloped, yet, she was turning to God.  She was praying, though no words were ever formed.

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She breathed slowly and deeply.  She felt a wave of peace through her.

She understood that her suffering would never completely dissipate, but she felt a sliver of hope.  She smiled, though somewhat sadly, realizing resignedly that this is who she is- weak and delicate, but not hopeless.

She knew God would provide, though sometimes she would not feel his presence intensely.

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Sometimes his voice would simply be a feeling of peace or hope, helping her in her time of need……..encouraging her to go on.

“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  Then the peace of God, that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”    -Philippians 4:6-7

Crocheting in spite of the fog…

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I was feeling disorganized and sad a few weeks ago.  I struggle with ADD, so I often feel this way.  I’ve found that crocheting helps me when I feel this fogginess. Crocheting seems to bring some order to the chaos in my mind.  I couldn’t  focus enough to make a detailed, complex crochet project so I decided to make a “patchwork quilt” styled blanket using the scraps in our yarn stash.  We have a ridiculous stash of yarn at my house- the remainders of various crochet projects that we’ve made (or attempted to make) throughout the years.  Here are some pictures of the hexagons that will make up the blanket.

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I have to make 81 of these!

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Some more of my hexagons:-)

I’m storing them in this box until I’m ready to sew them together.

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Here’s the link to the pattern that I’m using.

 http://www.redheart.com/free-patterns/flower-throw

I’ll post pictures of the finished blanket as soon as I can!