And It Went Away


I dated a boy for four months. We shared inside jokes, we laughed together, we toyed with the idea of marriage and how many kids we’d have. We were going to beat the odds. I was going to go to college while he pursued a career and after all that, we would blissfully start a life together in our house with a white picket fence and our Russian blue kitten.

And then, it went away.

Somehow, all this left in a day. He turned cold and all these feelings, and how I meant the world to him were forgotten. How does this happen? How could he feel this strongly for me and then suddenly not feel that way? Feelings are so fickle.

If it weren’t for his sweatshirt in my closet and the necklace he gave me around my neck, it would be like it never happened. Dissolved, gone.  I don’t know exactly what inspired this rapid change of heart, but after analyzing it over and over again, I’ve come to an idea of what may have caused it.

He was never taught to love. 

Children learn to be kind and to love from their parents.  His mother was cold, her comments biting.  Not at all like a mother should be.  He never knew his biological dad.  I guess ‘it went away’ for him too.   My ex-boyfriend was like an emotional orphan, like a baby bunny weaned to early from his mother’s milk.  When he tried to love me, despite his best efforts, his upbringing sabotaged his progress.

He was a slave to his feelings. 

His feelings dictated every choice he made, every action he took.  So, when we didn’t feel right anymore, and talking to me failed to give him whatever feeling he was looking for, he was done.   He was probably on to the next thing that made him feel good, but he was chasing mist, because that’s how elusive happiness is.

Now, a month post-breakup, I feel free.   I know it’s not my responsibility to fix him.   These are his flaws, and his scars that he’ll have to come to terms with and heal from.   I left with my heart in one piece.  He didn’t shatter it because my heart is my possession, not his.  He was only borrowing it.

I’m happy our lives intertwined, even if it was just for four months.   He made me think about myself, what I want in life, who I am and what I want from a man.  I’m grateful for the lessons learned and won’t forget them.   I hope he feels the same way.   I hope he’s okay too.


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